who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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