Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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