I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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