May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
