can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
