I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
