i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
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