He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
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