My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
