And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Randomize
