Michael Bay diarrhea
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
