there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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