Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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