I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Randomize
