sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
