piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
