Christians are straight up FREAKS
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
