his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My dad is sitting where you rode me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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