my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
