I don't usually arrange sex via text message
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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