i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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