theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Randomize
