Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
