he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I just forgot I was standing up.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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