i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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