YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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