New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
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