Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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