I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
