I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
