So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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