i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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