Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
