even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
