I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
