I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
i've created a new STD.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
