I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I fill condoms, not promises.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
