she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
