remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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