Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
This couple is walking their pig around campus
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
