you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
