I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
