did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Dignity is for republicans.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
