Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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