Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
