Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
