Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
