So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
