im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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