she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
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she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
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I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
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