Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Randomize
