i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
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