If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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