i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
