I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
